Hey all,

Valentine's Day is coming, so we're kicking off a 4 part series of newsletters about relationships. We'll cover what research shows us that are the main drivers of relational deterioration and what research shows us causes relationships to flourish for the long term.

Today we're looking at some of Dr. John Gottman's research. He's the GOAT in the world of marriage research. Gottman's research represents the most comprehensive longitudinal data on marriages ever in existence.

A little bit about Dr. John Gottman ...

He spent 40+ years at the University of Washington studying couples in what's literally called the "Love Lab" (yes, really called that). track everything: heart rate, blood pressure, stress hormones, facial expressions, word choice, tone, etc. Then his team would follow these same couples for 20+ years to see who made it and who didn't.

Gottman's research got so precise they made the claim they could predict with 94% accuracy whether a couple would divorce within 14 years.

Wild, right?

If you want to read some more in depth on his research: Click here​

So what was his team seeing? His research found that there are four specific patterns he calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." When these show up consistently & left unchecked, they don't just correlate with divorce; they predict it.

Today: the first two horsemen. Let's ride...

Meet Horseman #1: Criticism

Gottman defines criticism as attacking your partner's personality or character rather than addressing a specific behavior. It's the difference between "you did something that bothered me" and "you ARE something that bothers me." Subtle difference but it can make a world of difference in how your spouse reacts.

Criticism makes issues and non issues personal:

A complaint addresses a specific action:

See the difference? One is about what someone did. The other is about who they are.

Examples of Criticism:

• Your partner forgets to pick up milk on the way home.
  • Complaint: "You forgot the milk...can you grab it tomorrow?"
  • Criticism: "You never remember anything I ask. You don't care about what I need."
• Your partner is late to dinner.
  • Complaint: "I wish you'd texted me you were running late."
  • Criticism: "You're always late. You're so selfish and disrespectful of my time."
• Your partner leaves dishes in the sink.
  • Complaint: "Can you put your dishes in the dishwasher?"
  • Criticism: "You're a slob. You expect me to clean up after you like I'm your mother."

Criticism often uses "always" or "never" and frames specific behaviors as permanent character defects.

So... what will happen if this goes unchecked in a relationship?

When you criticize someone's character repeatedly, they eventually start to believe it, or they stop caring what you think. Because criticism impacts the "security" in the relationship, & the partner is forced into 3 options: defensiveness, shutting down/withdrawal, or start firing criticism right back at you.

Criticism will slowly erode trust /safety. AND criticism, left unchecked, creates the perfect conditions for the other horsemen to show up.

Meet Horseman #2: Contempt

Gottman defines contempt as any statement or behavior that comes from a position of superiority or treating your partner as if they're beneath you (in other words, talking down or mean spirited conversation qualify). Contempt is when a partner verbalizes and weaponizes their disgust and disdain.

This shows up as mockery, sarcasm, hostile humor, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mimicking or using the spouses insecurities against them. Contempt covertly communicates: "I'm better than you. You're lesser."

This is the most toxic of all four horsemen and the single greatest predictor of divorce.

Examples of Contempt:

• Your partner suggests a house project idea and you roll your eyes:
  • "Oh great, another brilliant idea from you. Like the last three that never happened?"
• They're telling you about a tough conversation at work and you mimic their voice in a whiny, mocking tone:
  • "My boss was so mean to me today."
• They forget to stop at the store and you say with a sneer:
  • "Wow, shocking. What would you do without me to remember everything? Seriously, how do you function?"
• They're excited about trying a new recipe or starting to learn guitar, and you laugh:
  • "That's adorable. You know you're going to quit in two weeks like you always do, right?"
• They're feeling self-conscious about their weight and mention wanting to start exercising.
  • You respond: "Yeah, that would be a good idea" with a pointed look, or "Maybe if you actually stuck to something for once." "Maybe if you spent less time complaining and more time at the gym..."
• They share something they're proud of and you respond: "Cool" without looking up from your phone, voice dripping with disinterest.

Here's what contempt really communicates: "I don't respect you anymore. I'm better than you."

So... what will happen if this goes unchecked in a relationship?

Contempt is relationship cancer. Once you start viewing your partner with disgust or superiority, you've stopped seeing them as your teammate and started seeing them as your opponent. The person on the receiving end either shuts down completely and this communication eats away at their confidence in the relationship and their self esteem.

They think, "why bother trying when nothing they do is good enough?". In high conflict marriages, this will lead to one partner having to match your contempt with their own. The relationship becomes a battlefield where both people are trying to prove the other person is worthless.

You can recover from a lot in a relationship, but once mutual respect is gone, there's almost nothing left to build on. This is why Gottman calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce.

Are you in trouble if these are present in your relationship?

Short answer, it depends. These aren't occasional slip-ups. Every couple argues. Every couple has bad days. What Gottman found is that when these behaviors start to become a pattern. That is what destroys relationships over time.

Think of them like rust on a car. A little surface rust? Fixable. But if you ignore it, it spreads, weakens the frame, and eventually the whole thing falls apart. Same for your relationship.

Next week, I'll cover the final two horsemen: Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

But here's what I want you to think about this week:

• How do you typically express frustration in your relationship?
• Do you focus on behavior, or do you slip into criticism of character?
• When things get heated, do you maintain respect or does contempt sneak in?

Your relationship is worth the effort,

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Zach

Clinical Therapist and Founder of Mental Health 4 Men​
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